All couples go through a wonderful Romantic phase at the beginning in which each shows the best self to the other and couples are very merged, but with increased time and commitment the real self starts to emerge as also differences. Couples can go through some shock or grief at this stage. Their partner is often not who they thought they were and they usually have opposite defence mechanisms which triggers the other. A power struggle ensues. Each partner blames the other for their disappointments, frustrations and hurts. But often it is old wounds that emerge – childhood wounds. Partners subconsciously choose a partner that matches the negative and positive traits of their parents or prime caregivers. Traits that were painful to the child will trigger pain in the adult relationship. And they come up for healing. We also choose partners who represent our missing self- the part of us that was under-developed, blocked or denied – in order to become whole again and get those parts back.  But it does not stop us criticising our partner for having those traits. Working towards achieving a conscious good relationship requires empathy, understanding and acceptance. Coming over the bridge to the partner’s island with curiosity and really understanding their different set of beliefs, experiences, perceptions and characteristics takes some work. This is real love. And what my couples therapy really helps with.